Milestones

I've been thinking of milestones lately. 

April was 3 years since cancer diagnosis.  

May is 3 years from getting my MSW and from loosing my breasts. 

This weekend, Jed and I are celebrating our 1st wedding anniversary!  

July is 21 years since my heart surgery. 

August will be a year since Erin passed away. 

The funny thing about the harder milestones is that I am very aware they are around the corner, but then i seem to forget about them while they are happening.   The summer 5 years after heart surgery, I was in Texas visiting the Coopers.  That surgery effed my head up for a long time (it took 19 years for me to realize that it was just preparing me for something way bigger) and I remember being 13 and kind of thinking that I should feel something (I didn't really) or should be celebrated or something (I think Carol baked me a cake).  Now each July, I just acknowledge how long ago it was and remark that it was my first experience at CHOP.  

This April was hard.  I still remember every single thing about the day I went to the doctor after discovering my lump.  I remember going to the bathroom of my internship too often and touching it and KNOWING it wasn't right.  I thought about those memories this year.  A few weeks ago, I helped my friend Lauren promote her Lithe Pink classes designed specifically for post-op breast cancer ladies.  I was interviewed and then me and a bunch of others participated in a mock class for the cameras.  I was AMAZED that I started Litheing 3 months after one of my major surgeries.  I mean, I was doubting I could do the exercises in the mock class...I couldn't remember how hard they must have been for me so soon after surgery.  I talked to Lauren about it after the class and we both agreed that I was hellbent on not being held back.  I haven't taken a Lithe class in almost a year and honestly, I'm scared I couldn't do it.  Thinking about the milestone and being physically back where I was 2 years ago put me in a funk that I didn't recognize for a few weeks.  I think each year gets easier, but not easy enough. 

I am already preparing for a difficult August, but I also know that I can't prepare enough.  It will sneak up on me and I'll only realize that i was surrounded by fog after it lifts.  I'm putting it out here now in advance - please cut me slack if i lack social skills in early August.  

Jed and I are off to the shore for a long weekend to celebrate.  This is the best milestone I have going.  All of the others are bearable and  manageable because of Jed.  Bring it.  I can take it.