April was 3 years since cancer diagnosis.
May is 3 years from getting my MSW and from loosing my breasts.
This weekend, Jed and I are celebrating our 1st wedding anniversary!
July is 21 years since my heart surgery.
August will be a year since Erin passed away.
The funny thing about the harder milestones is that I am very aware they are around the corner, but then i seem to forget about them while they are happening. The summer 5 years after heart surgery, I was in Texas visiting the Coopers. That surgery effed my head up for a long time (it took 19 years for me to realize that it was just preparing me for something way bigger) and I remember being 13 and kind of thinking that I should feel something (I didn't really) or should be celebrated or something (I think Carol baked me a cake). Now each July, I just acknowledge how long ago it was and remark that it was my first experience at CHOP.
This April was hard. I still remember every single thing about the day I went to the doctor after discovering my lump. I remember going to the bathroom of my internship too often and touching it and KNOWING it wasn't right. I thought about those memories this year. A few weeks ago, I helped my friend Lauren promote her Lithe Pink classes designed specifically for post-op breast cancer ladies. I was interviewed and then me and a bunch of others participated in a mock class for the cameras. I was AMAZED that I started Litheing 3 months after one of my major surgeries. I mean, I was doubting I could do the exercises in the mock class...I couldn't remember how hard they must have been for me so soon after surgery. I talked to Lauren about it after the class and we both agreed that I was hellbent on not being held back. I haven't taken a Lithe class in almost a year and honestly, I'm scared I couldn't do it. Thinking about the milestone and being physically back where I was 2 years ago put me in a funk that I didn't recognize for a few weeks. I think each year gets easier, but not easy enough.
I am already preparing for a difficult August, but I also know that I can't prepare enough. It will sneak up on me and I'll only realize that i was surrounded by fog after it lifts. I'm putting it out here now in advance - please cut me slack if i lack social skills in early August.
Jed and I are off to the shore for a long weekend to celebrate. This is the best milestone I have going. All of the others are bearable and manageable because of Jed. Bring it. I can take it.